By Haley Tenore 

As the world slows down for the holidays, some people can’t help but feel a little off. And it’s not because of the 5 p.m. sunsets or the way-too-merry songs playing in the grocery store.  

A poll from the American Psychological Association shows that about nine in ten adults feel stressed out by the holiday season, with family conflicts being one of the major stress factors.  

Jennifer Gilbert, Psy.D., LCP, a VCU Health clinical psychologist and associate professor in the Department of Family Medicine at Virginia Commonwealth University School of Medicine, said she notices an uptick in those seeking mental health care around this time of year, especially for family-related issues.  

We spoke with Gilbert to find some ways to manage the not-so-nice feelings and interactions you may encounter at family gatherings over the holidays.  

How to set boundaries with family members 

Before attending any family festivities, think about what topics tend to instigate or escalate arguments. Some tense topics may include relationships, grief, mental health, substance abuse, physical appearance, or even unresolved past conflicts. 

Then, identify what you aren’t comfortable talking about. Have a list of prepared “non-negotiables,” or things that you aren’t going to speak to anyone about. If you are going through a difficult divorce or struggling with some weight gain, those may not be topics you want to discuss over dinner with relatives you only see once a year.  

“You can’t control what another person says or how they react, so the best thing we can do is tune into ourselves. You may know that you’re curious, but intrusive aunt is going to ask why you’re still in school and not married. You can anticipate some of these conversations and think in advance about how you want to handle them in the moment, so you are less caught off guard and can respond in real time in a way that feels good to you,” Gilbert said. 

Gilbert suggests preparing concise, straightforward responses when family members attempt to discuss sensitive or emotional issues. 

“Figure out something short and simple, yet true to yourself,” Gilbert said. “For example, ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that tonight,’ ‘I don’t like how this conversation is making me feel,’ or ‘I’m here to celebrate the holidays with family and friends, and that’s a pretty sensitive topic. Maybe ask me after the holiday season in a more private setting.’ You want something kind, short and simple that will more likely be perceived as confident and assertive, and less so rude or mean spirited.”  

Parents can also use these opportunities as teachable moments for their children. Family members may comment on how much makeup a teen is wearing or make unsolicited remarks about how a child’s body is growing and changing. Gilbert said parents can model boundary setting by stepping in if a relative makes an off-color or unwelcome remark to a child or teen.  

“Someone could comment or ask a question that makes your child feel uncomfortable or anxious. The parent can step in and help the child and unassuming adult with that interaction,” Gilbert said. “You could say, ‘Looks like you noticed my daughter has gotten really tall! But in our family, we only talk about our bodies to parents and doctors.’”  

Coping strategies for stressful situations 

While you can anticipate what topics might cause a fight or an awkward conversation, tensions can still boil over. When this happens, Gilbert said it’s important to stay aware of how you’re feeling and think about what you need in the moment to feel better.  

“When people feel anxious or uncomfortable, it’s going to affect their bodies and brains. When emotions get heightened, it’s sometimes harder to think clearly and make quick decisions,” Gilbert said. “[My] main strategy [for handling this] is to tune into yourself... This can mean noticing, ‘Oh, I'm starting to get a little warm, or I'm starting to feel frustrated or uncomfortable. What do I need right now?”  

Some suggestions from Gilbert to calm an anxious nervous system during difficult moments include: 

• Taking a walk or stepping outside to get fresh air 
• Excusing yourself from the conversation to get some water 
• Politely ending the conversation to say hello to another person at the event  

It’s also helpful to go to holiday gatherings with someone you feel comfortable with and know you can talk to if things get difficult and he/she will make you feel better. 

“You can have a designated person – a friend or confidant – who can make you feel better in that moment,” she said. 

Tactics for self-care and keeping cool-headed when things get heated 

During the giving season, it can be hard to give to yourself.  

If you receive an invitation to a family get-together that puts a twinge in your stomach, Gilbert said, don’t feel pressured to decide right away.  

“Focus on what would feel right for you and what you need. Don’t take on other people’s emotions or guilt trips. Recognize that they are entitled to their emotions and you are not the cause of them,” Gilbert said. “What’s most important is to do what feels best for you in the moment. For some people, being with family and having conflicts arise can be really upsetting and remind them of prior painful experiences. If that’s the case, I’d recommend disengaging, seeking some distance or putting boundaries around your time together to take care of yourself.” 

Those looking to help keep temperatures cool should keep an eye on friends and family. If you notice someone has been drinking heavily or using substances, Gilbert recommends offering them support or care as long as that is not triggering for you.  

“Other people may feel an inclination to step in and lower the tension. Humor tends to de-escalate situations quickly. If someone feels comfortable stepping in, in a sensitive but playful way, that can make light of the situation and help bring the temperature down,” she said. 

As this year comes to a close, think about what you need to do to recharge for the 12 months ahead. For some, that means going to family get-togethers. For others, it may look like staying home in pajamas and ordering takeout.  

“Going into this holiday season,” Gilbert added, “be mindful, compassionate and kind, presuming good intentions with yourself and with others. It’s a great time of the year to take extra good care of yourself.”  

Want healthier relationships? A VCU expert says start with compassion — for yourself and others.

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